Two years ago, I lost my first love. To read my thoughts and feelings over the time that has passed, I am both humbled and shocked. Humbled that I was granted the blessing of maturing (a bit) through this time and given wisdom over the past two years. Shocked because I can still remember the emotions felt during what was one of the hardest decisions so far. There is so much I wish I could have known back then…
Some time has passed for me, but for you it is still fresh. The hurt, the sorrow, the overwhelming grief. This boy who has been your best friend for nine years has left you stranded on the sidelines and there’s not much more for anyone to say except they’re sorry.
I guess I should say it too: I am sorry.
I am sorry because I know you’re hurting right now. I’m sorry that this sadness is paralyzing you, that the sadness is making you feel like you’re unable to go through the very basic motions of life. Eating and sleeping have become something of a distant memory and your cheeks hurt to even consider what a smile means. You don’t want to work, you don’t want to finish classes, you can’t stand being around anyone. I am so sorry you feel this way.
I remember what it felt like to lie in bed and cry myself into a state between wake and sleep. I couldn’t feel my heart anymore. That’s what you’re going through, right? You’re wondering if it is possible to live life without a pulse.
Please know that finding a way back to the surface takes time, and you are doing so well. You are ridiculously stronger than you ever realized.
I am so proud of you.
In a few weeks you’re going to put on a brave face and rise above the surface. The tears will dry out and those around you will switch from “we’re sorry” to “you deserve so much more.”
Sometimes you’re going to nod approvingly like you get what they’re saying, other times you’re going to run from the truth and go back to the battered, beaten shadow you are today. It is during these hard times that I want you to know that love is beautiful.
Love is also scary, though. It is something to fear and be afraid of. Don’t go giving it away too freely.
Too soon you’ll realize that being alone is sometimes preferable over the deafening cry your heart will make when it finally sparks back to life. You’ll put on a brave face, attempt to pull yourself together, and stagger out the door into the disheartening World of Dating.
Unfortunately, hard times are ahead. You’re going to meet a league of boys who will not value what you have to offer. Be resilient in your search for the truth. Stay passionate of your morals, unrelenting in your beliefs, and constant in your prayer. And I promise you that you will move on to someone who values your love, your body, your mind, and especially your soul. You’ll soon be grateful that you found out early on instead of too late that this hurt was not worth a lifetime of sorrow.
I now look back on you and this situation with a sigh of relief. How blessed we are that you walked away from such a draining and toxic relationship! You are not being punished. Get that out of you head… this is a blessing in disguise that something better is out there waiting for us.
It has been two years and that sadness is now gone. So is the pain. Doubt resurfaces here and there, but overall life is good. We’re content. We’re satisfied with the outcome of the past two years. We are happy.
You will soon learn how to trust again. And then to love again. I can’t promise you won’t be hurt in the future (actually I know you will be at least a few more times), but I can promise you that it’ll be worth it.
You are about to grow so much during this upcoming summer.
You will get through this, and you are going to be amazing.